How To Fix a Relationship & The Secret To Make It Last!
Welcome back to another installment of #AJsBookClub! Here we summarize some of our recent reads & dive in to the take aways to help enhance an aspect of our lives. Specifically, an aspect of our own definitions of success.
If you haven’t already, consider joining the discussion on facebook. We’re a growing community of people who like to share & discuss books that are what I consider to be “Success Focused”. In the mean time, feel to check out other reviews & summaries on the blog page (quick link here to make life easier!)
Intro
Today we’re going to be reviewing & discussing Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages.” In our discussion on “What Is Success?” I mention a few of my pillars of success, one of them being Relationships. We all know we want a RELATION-SHIP and not a RELATION-SHIT, but it’s important to understand what that means and how we can achieve that.
I wish I had read this book years ago.
Using a combination of lessons and real life interactions with couples he has personally counseled, Chapman does a great job of describing what love and how we need to view it from our significant other’s point of view. The stories he tells in his book are extremely relatable and will resonate with most couples in some way shape of form.
Now, this is not just a book for couples who are on the brink of divorce. It’s meant to be a guide to learn how to improve and have continued success in your relationship that will last a life time.
“Whatever the quality of your marriage is now, it can always be better”
At the same time, if you are reading this as a last resort, don’t worry! There is still hope! It may take some time and A LOT of work, but the good news is, no matter how bad things may seem, there is a chance to fix them. You just need to understand how to properly communicate in your significant other’s love language
Love Versus In-Love (or obsession)
Before diving in to some of the key points (like the love languages themselves), Chapman dives in to the idea of what love is and how to truly does change over time.
When you first fall “in-love” with someone, life is euphoric. It’s almost like a drug. You can’t get enough. You brag to all your friends, you spend all your time & money together, but maybe you’re missing some of the flaws in each other. Your friends & family may seem them, but the “in-love” phases is closer to obsession than anything else.
This doesn’t and can’t last forever though. At most, this may last for maybe 2 years for a couple. Then the real world starts to poke its ugly head. You come down off the high and start to wonder if he always sounded like that when he eats, or if she was always spending all her money once she got a pay check? (clearly she needs to read The Millionaire Fastlane!)
Honeymoon phase is over. You can no longer survive on that “in-love” feeling anymore. You need more. You need…
Emotional Love
Emotional love is the thing that really keeps us going. I like the term used in the book, “mature love”. It doesn’t need to be flashy or obsessive. It needs to be supportive & caring. Emotional love is the thing that really fuels a relationship and keeps it going for the long haul. Be careful, though, just like gas in the car you need to keep your Love Tank full.
Love Tank
This was an interesting concept, something I had never heard of before or even considered. Each of us have an emotional “Love Tank”. It’s the thing that makes us feel happy & satisfied in a relationship. Typically when a relationship is on the rocks it’s because our love tank is empty and maybe has been empty for some time.
Just like a car, even though our tank might be empty, that doesn’t mean our motor can’t run. It might just take some refilling & care to get back on track. This is where the love languages come in to play. They are the fuel that we need to continually fill our significant other’s tank with!
Love Languages
Before we hit on what the love languages are, there is something VERY IMPORTANT to understand. As people we have a tendency to try to show our love by using our own love languages. This seems like the right thing to do. These are the things that make me happy so why wouldn’t they make my husband or wife happy? It’s a nice idea, but couples don’t often share the same language. This is where you need to pay great attention.
Knowing what the languages are is a fantastic start, but you need to really tune in to see what is filling each other’s tank. Most people have trouble figuring it out, but “The 5 Love Languages” will help you cut through the noise
I’ll hit some of the key points of each language, but as in the past, I highly recommend you go and buy this book. Hell, if you are a close friend and seem to be having marital issues, I might buy it for you myself. The stories & level of detail are truly that important to read yourself.
Love Language #1 - Words of Affirmation
Kind & Encouraging words that build someone up. For some, this is all they need. People want to know that you care and that you are supportive in their efforts. If this is your significant other’s language, consider starting a notebook of compliments that seem to illicit a positive response and those that do not. Write down what you hear other couples say or people on TV. Try them out and see what works best. Words are important!
“I can live for two months on a good compliment” - Mark Twain
Love Language #2 - Quality Time
This love language can range from simple QUALITY conversation to spending time together at the park without distraction. Quality time is about being in the moment with your significant other and giving them your focus. It doesn’t need to for hours on end, sometimes taking 10 minutes a night to ask about someone’s day is a great start. If this is your partner’s Love Language, set aside time every day to dedicate to them alone. Ask them what things they would like to go do together. Make a list of 5 that THEY are interested in (and you can deal with doing) and do one a week for the next few weeks.
“Husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time, but they are not together.”
Love Language #3 - Receiving Gifts
Gift giving is a common theme in many cultures with regards to love and marriage. The important thing to understand is what that gift means to someone. Everyone has heard the old adage “It’s the thought that counts.” Well, if this is your Love Language, that’s 100% correct. To some it’s a physical reminder that someone was thinking of you, that someone loves you. We (I know me especially) can often get stuck in using our money to invest in nothing but stocks, bonds, businesses, etc. Remember, that your relationship and happiness is one of the best things you can invest in.
“To invest in loving your spouse is to invest in blue-chip stocks”
Love Language #4 - Acts of Service
This is as simple as it sounds. Doing things your spouse would like you to do. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be a love slave (unless you’re in to that sort of thing), it means finding the things that are MOST IMPORTANT to your husband or wife and doing them. Doing the dishes doesn’t help when the most important thing is putting the kids to bed. Ask your spouse for a prioritized honey-do list, or even just what things you can help take off their plate to make life easier.
Love Language #5 - Physical Touch
Right off the bat you might think, “This is the Love Language about sex, woohoo!”. Touch is much more than just that though. Touch is the only human sense that is not centralized to a specific part of our body. Just like the sense itself, the love language can take on many different shapes. Obviously sex is one of them, but to some, something as simple as holding a their hand in public may be what is needed to fill up a love tank. This Language is very open ended and may take some time to figure out. But…
“Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge”
Love Languages & Dialects
Just like every day written & spoken languages may be universal, there are different dialects for each. You may learn your significant other’s language, but the specific dialect may take some time.
Again, physical touch might be the best example here. Some feel love when they get a foot massage from a lover, others never want their feet to see the light of day. Those people, though, may feel love when you put your arm around them when you’re sitting on the couch. Figuring out a love language & dialect can be challenging, but it’s a worthwhile effort
Love Cannot Be Demanded
No one likes to be forced to do anything. Same goes for love. A supportive wife requesting help from her husband is much more likely to get a positive response and action than a wife who constantly nags.
“Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love”
Criticism often drives wedges between couples. As humans, we typically don’t like criticisms, especially the harsh or rude kind. We need to be kind in our requests and forgiving to each others mistakes.
Even though criticism can be hard, it is an important factor to listen to. Often the biggest criticisms give the best insight to the other’s Love Language.
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
When we know our spouse’s love language, we can work to keep their tank filled and they will in turn have a desire to fill ours. However, knowing a love language can also be a fierce weapon if we’re not careful. A negative response in someone’s love language cuts much deeper than it would someone else. For example, if your husband or wife’s Love Language is “Words of Affirmation”, if you speak negatively to them or don’t show support, it will hurt them twice as much as someone who’s language might be gifts. Not only are you not filling their Love Tank, but you’re draining it even faster.
Conclusion
I may need to work on what exactly I mean by a “summary”, I think mine keep getting longer & longer. The amazing thing is that we barely scratched the surface of “The 5 Love Languages”. This is a book I will definitely be referencing in the future.
As I’m writing this I’m going through the exercise of learning & understanding my wife’s Love Language and her specific dialects. This book helped me to know what I need to look for and gives a ton of examples on how I can work to fill up my wife’s Love Tank.
I care for my wife and family very much and know this is an area on my “Success Circle” that I want to work on. I want to make sure my wife knows the love I have for her and I know I need to work on finding the right ways to show her!
Be sure to grab a copy of “The 5 Love Languages” for yourself. When you read, send me a message about how the book helped with your relationship. I’d love to hear it!!
Until Next Time!
-AJ Zampella